Developing farm transition plans can lead to stress for families

DETROIT LAKES, Minn. — Developing a transition plan can be a stressful activity for farm families.

Different types of stressors impact people including normative stressors.

“These are common everyday stressors, things that happen in life,” said Monica McConkey, rural mental health specialist in Minnesota.

“Non-normative stressors are things that are unpredictable and dramatic that disrupt lives,” said McConkey during a webinar hosted by The Rural Resiliency Project. “They are not normal, they happen suddenly and in some cases death and injury are attached.”

Chronic stressors are circumstances that go on over the course of time and they are difficult to fix.

“This is what I see a lot of farm families go through,” McConkey said. “There has been conflict over time, they’re in a pattern and no one knows how to step out of it.”

During stressful situations, the amygdala part of the brain starts firing.

“When that’s firing, the prefrontal cortex where we think, plan and problem solve goes offline,” McConkey said.

“In our farm transition discussions, if there is a lot of emotion attached, nothing is going to be resolved or worked through because of the way our brain operates,” she said.

When a stressful topic comes up, McConkey said, for avoiders the stress response is flight.

“They are going to withdraw and they may physically leave because they don’t want to deal with it,” she said. “They may make decisions on their own which can drive people crazy if the decisions impact them.”

When stress impacts engagers, they want to talk about the situation.

“When you put those two together, it’s a hotbed of conflict,” the mental health specialist said.

A stressed person, McConkey said, may become withdrawn, distracted and less affectionate.

“A stressed individual feels depleted, it’s hard for them to make decisions and remember things,” she said. “Their brains are not functioning in full capacity because of stress.”

A person that is stressed may be irritable and hostile, which can lead to arguments.

“A stressed individual sees things going from bad to worse,” McConkey said. “Maybe it’s a little thing, but to them it’s a giant mess they’re never going to get through or be able to resolve.”

For family members who are around a stressed person, their emotion tends to rise and meet the level of stress.

“That is not helpful, so it is really important that we look for that so we don’t take on their stuff,” the mental health specialist said.

To maintain healthy relationships, McConkey advises family members to look for opportunities to show grace and empathy.

“This is tough because sometimes we’re not on the best terms with those people, but it is important to keep the relationship functional,” she said.

Different people feel love and appreciation in different ways.

“Typically, we show it the way we feel it,” McConkey said. “Learning about the five love languages can help us make sure the employees or kids we are working with feel appreciated.”

The five love languages are: acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation and physical touch.

“Some people just need a handshake, pat on the back or a fist bump to make them feel appreciated,” McConkey said. “It is important in relationships to know about each other.”

In times of stress, the mental health specialist said, it is OK for family members to spend time apart.

“Sometimes you need to step away for an afternoon,” she said. “If emotion is high, it’s not always helpful to try to hash through a disagreement or argument right then.”

The key is to know the family must come back to the issue and problem solve.

“You can’t avoid it forever,” McConkey said.

“Especially with farm transition, if there is stress between the generations, if we can look at the issue as a separate entity and see ourselves as a team, it is incredibly helpful instead of seeing a person as a problem,” she said.

“Look at the issues around the transition and problem solve as a team versus pointing fingers at each other.”

Communication is vital while developing farm transition plans.

“One of the biggest things is we can’t assume the other person knows what we are thinking and feeling,” McConkey said.

“Many, many times I hear farmers say they should know what I want because we’ve been doing this for years,” she said.

“No matter how obvious it seems to you, if something needs to be said, it’s your responsibility to communicate that.”

It is never too early to start working on a farm transition plan, McConkey said.

“We get caught up in the day-to-day needs of running an operation that to think ahead often takes a back seat or it doesn’t happen,” she said.